I feel as though i should have something epic to report because it has been so long since i've updated, but i don't. I feel like I've lost my sense of self. all of my clothes are red and black... the trademark colors of TGI Fridays otherwise known as my own personal hell that i have so un ceremoniously been dumped into... a store that was once busy, and yeilded it's employees 100$ a night now leaves them with 6$ and sometimes less. All because of location, Mellow Mushroom, Logans rockin Monday and Tuesday meal specials, and the impending recession.

I see myself working to death for little to no money, and no other place to get a job. I haven't got the money to go back to school, and even if i did go back to school i wouldn't be able to pay for my apartment and go to school and work. And i can't move home... i don't really have a home to go back to.

I have lost my ambition. 4 years ago i was full of ambition. I was full of want and hunger and eager to learn. That hunger was laughed at, chewed upon, and spit back out. That hunger was laughed at because i wasn't good enough. i was called fat when i really wasn't. Boy, wouldn't they like to get a look at me now. 250 lbs and growing, with more stretch marks than an expectant mother. they made me feel worthless, like i couldn't do anything right. And anyone who praises them as gods ought to be shot, have thier ambition hopes and dreams chewed upon and spit back out.

and so here I am,  8 days and counting from my 23rd birthday, and while my friends and classmates have graduated college, gotten amazing internships, started graduate school, gotten married and had kids, here I am... a person whos greatest ambition is to get through this weekend because i have to do it alone.

So what about me? i am an epic failure. Just working on the pre-woven fabric of failure that i have been given by my parents... except they had a bit of success before they turned into ambition-less assholes...

so, it's halloween night. and I'm alone... Michelle had to go home because her grandmother passed away, and i wish i could be there with her.

So, i haven't seen a real person since 1 PM. every time i have called my mom in the past three weeks, she's been too tired to talk or to sick to talk. and if she does want to talk it's all about how fucking sick she is. great times with my family.

everytime i've tried to talk to Michelle today, she's been surrounded by people who are too rude to realize she's on the phone. i've talked to her a total of 10 minutes today. this is with four phone calls, and there hasn't even been any trick or treaters! there wasn't even anyone outside when i took my garbage out. so yea, i am quite literally alone.

and i have to get up and go to work at 8:30 in the morning, probably so i can be treated like a red headed step child in front of everyone instead of one on one. Then the rest of the girls come in at 9 so we can continue our little chat, ending at 10 when all hell breaks loose in the lu, THEN i get to come home until 1, where i will return to my own personal hell until 7, after which i will undoubtedly come home and be alone all night... AGAIN.

i so ENJOY the utter feeling of upcoming insanity and alcoholism.